Upon watching Monday Night RAW...

"Watching WWE is like watching a guy who's been caught in the middle of cheating on his wife. WWE's tag line should be, 'We know this looks bad, BUT WE CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!'"

Upon Discussion of Oscar Nominees...

"Well, keep this on the DL, actually, but the buzz is that they may invent a new category called "OMG SO CUTE of the Year," for which Zac Efron is reportedly the frontrunner."

Upon watching his first episode of "MacGyver"...

DAVE VOICE: "Gee MacGyver, I don't see how we're going to get out of this boobytrap."

MACGYVER VOICE: "Wait a minute, Dave...did you say OUT? That's it!! YOU'RE A GENIUS!! I'll just re-wire the OUTput of the wi-fi transistor jack to receive retrofitted coordinates from the microprocessor to reverse-transistorize the ions in the secondary chamber to the wave pattern!!!
You're a lifesaver, Dave!"

DAVE VOICE: "I hate you."