Upon watching Monday Night RAW...

"Watching WWE is like watching a guy who's been caught in the middle of cheating on his wife. WWE's tag line should be, 'We know this looks bad, BUT WE CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!'"

Upon Discussion of Oscar Nominees...

"Well, keep this on the DL, actually, but the buzz is that they may invent a new category called "OMG SO CUTE of the Year," for which Zac Efron is reportedly the frontrunner."

Upon watching his first episode of "MacGyver"...

DAVE VOICE: "Gee MacGyver, I don't see how we're going to get out of this boobytrap."

MACGYVER VOICE: "Wait a minute, Dave...did you say OUT? That's it!! YOU'RE A GENIUS!! I'll just re-wire the OUTput of the wi-fi transistor jack to receive retrofitted coordinates from the microprocessor to reverse-transistorize the ions in the secondary chamber to the wave pattern!!!
You're a lifesaver, Dave!"

DAVE VOICE: "I hate you."

Upon listening to a WWE match commentary...

Don't we all have decided advantages until we're hit by a twist of fate out of nowhere. Such is life.

Upon opening a comic book at the wheel...

Me: No reading comics while driving!
Him: Of course not. Reading comics is for red lights.

"Oh man tonight is the Vice-presidential debate. Biden vs Palin. I'm scared to watch. That's gonna be such a train wreck.

BIDEN: 'We're gonna bomb in Pakistan for giving us Osama Bin Laden just like when the French bombed Pearl Harbor and George Washington lead us to victory in the Pacific!'
PALIN: 'I disagree because Jesus moose hockey!'"

Him: "Did you put that thing I said up on Schmoopytalk?"
Me: "Yes."
(beat)
Him: "What was the thing I said again?"

Him: "I should get a tattoo of mars with 'Get your ass to Mars!' underneath"
Me: "That's retarded."
Him: "Just retarded enough to be AWESOME!"

"Sometimes you have to know what shit tastes like so that you can
recognize filet minon when you see it!"

Upon testing the shower water...

me: "Is the water too hot?"
him: "No, it's fine, I... OOOOOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (screams like a girl)"

Upon seeing various USC items for sale...

DUDE bury me in a USC coffin!!! I don't mean when i die. I mean RIGHT NOW!

Upon seeing a commercial announcing Quiznos' meatball subs...

"It was like a message from God...and Quiznos' marketing department."

While absent-mindedly watching TV...

him: You are the official antiperspirant of major league baseball.
me: I am?
him: I don't know what I'm saying.

Upon hearing that Alabama was beating Clemson:

"Oh man, when I was in the bathroom this morning pretending to be interviewed on a sports show, I SO told those imaginary broadcasters that Alabama was gonna win this game."

I love my mac because I can talk on the phone with you and take a picture of my butt at the same time.

Upon snuggling and being sappy...

Me: You are my love.
Him: You are my Loc-Nar.
Me: I'm a green ball of evil and death that infects you?
Him: I didn't think that through.

Upon hearing Neil Gaiman is going to write Batman...

what kinda pretentious crap will gaiman inject into the batcave? "Jason Todd's costume mocks me silently from its glass display case while I weep at its foundation. Its colors mirror my emotions. Red like my anger at not having saved him. Green like my envy that he died instead of me. A beetle slowly crawls over my boot. What is thy fate, o beetle? Must you, like all the others, desecrate my home and leave me a broken shell? Oh yes, I weep. But not for myself; for the fragile world which I have created. I have deceived those who come to worship at its altar."

"I love you because you look awesome and all the other reasons involving your personality and stuff."

"I wish I worked in a magazine company, in the department where they get the magazines ready to mail out to subscribers, and put address labels on all the magazines.

I would grab a random magazine that didn't have an address label on it yet, and run up to someone really angrily and go, "WHY HAVEN'T YOU ADDRESSED THIS ISSUE?!?!?!?!"

Upon me saying I shouldn't eat cheese while lactose intolerant...

"I should be all the cheese you need."

Upon mentioning someone had 'Asperger's'...

"I like ass...and I like burgers...but I don't think I would like assburgers. That would just be confusing."

Upon saying goodnight...

him: "What if Goldfinger ran a hair salon, and James Bond said 'Do you expect me to cut locks?' and then Goldfinger says 'No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye!'"
me: (lengthy silence)
him: "I love you...?"

Upon hearing about an old friendship gone bad...

"Even turds used to be filet mignon...but that was 14 hours ago. Now they're just turds. They'll never be filet mignon again"

Upon seeing something in a strawberry field...

Him: "Cows!"
Me: "Those are migrant workers."
Him: " Well...they look like cows."

Upon hearing someone made me work late...

"I'm going to kick him in the ass. I'm going to kick him so hard in the ass that my shoe gets stuck up there and gets lodged in his stomach, and then I'm going to kick him in the stomach with my other foot so that he throws up the shoe, and then I'm going to put my shoe back on to kick him in the ass again."

Upon seeing a Wii character in my likeness he created in the sidelines of Mario Kart 3...

“Hey look it’s you! No wait…that’s Hitler.”

Schmoopy's First Words

"It is your job to remember the funny things. It is too much work for me existing and coming up with this funny stuff on the spot and now I have to remember it too?"