Him: "Did you put that thing I said up on Schmoopytalk?"
Me: "Yes."
(beat)
Him: "What was the thing I said again?"

Him: "I should get a tattoo of mars with 'Get your ass to Mars!' underneath"
Me: "That's retarded."
Him: "Just retarded enough to be AWESOME!"

"Sometimes you have to know what shit tastes like so that you can
recognize filet minon when you see it!"

Upon testing the shower water...

me: "Is the water too hot?"
him: "No, it's fine, I... OOOOOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (screams like a girl)"

Upon seeing various USC items for sale...

DUDE bury me in a USC coffin!!! I don't mean when i die. I mean RIGHT NOW!

Upon seeing a commercial announcing Quiznos' meatball subs...

"It was like a message from God...and Quiznos' marketing department."

While absent-mindedly watching TV...

him: You are the official antiperspirant of major league baseball.
me: I am?
him: I don't know what I'm saying.