Upon saying goodnight...

him: "What if Goldfinger ran a hair salon, and James Bond said 'Do you expect me to cut locks?' and then Goldfinger says 'No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye!'"
me: (lengthy silence)
him: "I love you...?"

Upon hearing about an old friendship gone bad...

"Even turds used to be filet mignon...but that was 14 hours ago. Now they're just turds. They'll never be filet mignon again"

Upon seeing something in a strawberry field...

Him: "Cows!"
Me: "Those are migrant workers."
Him: " Well...they look like cows."

Upon hearing someone made me work late...

"I'm going to kick him in the ass. I'm going to kick him so hard in the ass that my shoe gets stuck up there and gets lodged in his stomach, and then I'm going to kick him in the stomach with my other foot so that he throws up the shoe, and then I'm going to put my shoe back on to kick him in the ass again."

Upon seeing a Wii character in my likeness he created in the sidelines of Mario Kart 3...

“Hey look it’s you! No wait…that’s Hitler.”

Schmoopy's First Words

"It is your job to remember the funny things. It is too much work for me existing and coming up with this funny stuff on the spot and now I have to remember it too?"