Upon discussing how to deal with filmmaker snobs...

"Yeah I directed a movie, it was called ME KICKING YOUR ASS, now shut the hell up unless you want me to make the sequel."

"A girl with a snake around her shoulders is just some freak. A girl with a snake around her shoulders eating a burrito is a brilliant artistic shot for your photography class."

"People with megaphones either want to tell you about jesus or talk you down from a building."

Upon discussion of runner Caster Semenya's gender testing...

"Three to four days to do a gender test?? Forget about it! If it
takes 3 to 4 days to determine if you're a man or a woman, then don't
bother because I AIN'T FUCKIN YOU!"

The thing is that men generally have less dignity than women, which is the reason why there are hardly any female mimes.

Upon talking about potentially getting married…

Him: Can I wear a top hat and tails?
Me: Yes.
Him: How about a big walking cane with a huge diamond on top?
Me: Yes.
Him: Monocle?
Me: No.
Him: Yeah, that was becoming a little too Scrooge McDuck.

Regarding ZZ Top opening for Metallica...

Well in this case I think they will be referring to it as "co- headliners." I mean its not like ZZ Top is some bunch of pimply faced teens who just got done performing at Starbucks. They are, in fact, actually ZZ Top.

Him: "You know what you don't do, when someone is sick or annoyed? You don't stick your face in their butt."

Upon hearing Obama is appearing on Jay Leno with Teri Hatcher and John Cena...

it would be like, "Personally, I believe in the stimulus plan because it pours an abundance of short and long-term employment opportunities into areas with much-needed growth potential, such as renewable energy sources and weatherization," and then Obama would be like, "SHUT UP TERI HATCHER, I'M TRYING TO ASK CENA ABOUT WRESTLEMANIA!!!!"

Upon watching "Commando"...

Me: "But see – Commando didn’t satisfy me, since it set up expectations as to plot with no character development, and then it threw the character in situations where it was EXPECTED to have character development.. I would have rather seen it be all action, without the love interest angle than to have it totally dismiss that it even WAS a love interest angle."

Him: "You're so cute when you analyze Commando."

Upon watching the John Wayne movie Wake of the Red Witch...

"John Wayne versus giant octopus, round 2!!! And this time he's only armed with a knife and his pants! GUESS WHO WINS THIS TIME, YEAH BITCH, FUCK YOU OCTOPUS!!! YEAH HOWS THAT KNIFE TASTE?!"

Me: What are Adam's Apples actually for?
Him: Adam’s Apples were put there by God so you can tell who’s a tranny.

While watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix...

ME: "If I ever catch you in bed with a man, it had better be Gary Oldman."
HIM: "THAT has to go on Schmoopytalk!!"

Upon watching Slumdog Millionaire...

"So every single question he gets asked just happens to be related to some experience he had in his life? Yeah, that's like the time I got mugged on the street and knocked unconscious, and the last thing i saw before i blacked out was the theater marquee showing the title of Lily Tomlin's 1997 one-woman show."

Upon reading a review of the new WWE movie...

Me: “The Marine certainly established that Cena possesses serious thespian chops”. I have never heard such BS.

Him: Well it's a press release from the company that made the freaking movie!!! what do you expect it to say?? "Cena, predictably apologetic about his lackluster performance in the universally panned THE MARINE, hopes to reclaim some small shred of his dignity in 12 Rounds, with a performance that critics are already buzzing about as being "almost half awake."

Upon watching Monday Night RAW...

"Watching WWE is like watching a guy who's been caught in the middle of cheating on his wife. WWE's tag line should be, 'We know this looks bad, BUT WE CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!'"

Upon Discussion of Oscar Nominees...

"Well, keep this on the DL, actually, but the buzz is that they may invent a new category called "OMG SO CUTE of the Year," for which Zac Efron is reportedly the frontrunner."

Upon watching his first episode of "MacGyver"...

DAVE VOICE: "Gee MacGyver, I don't see how we're going to get out of this boobytrap."

MACGYVER VOICE: "Wait a minute, Dave...did you say OUT? That's it!! YOU'RE A GENIUS!! I'll just re-wire the OUTput of the wi-fi transistor jack to receive retrofitted coordinates from the microprocessor to reverse-transistorize the ions in the secondary chamber to the wave pattern!!!
You're a lifesaver, Dave!"

DAVE VOICE: "I hate you."

Upon listening to a WWE match commentary...

Don't we all have decided advantages until we're hit by a twist of fate out of nowhere. Such is life.

Upon opening a comic book at the wheel...

Me: No reading comics while driving!
Him: Of course not. Reading comics is for red lights.

"Oh man tonight is the Vice-presidential debate. Biden vs Palin. I'm scared to watch. That's gonna be such a train wreck.

BIDEN: 'We're gonna bomb in Pakistan for giving us Osama Bin Laden just like when the French bombed Pearl Harbor and George Washington lead us to victory in the Pacific!'
PALIN: 'I disagree because Jesus moose hockey!'"

Him: "Did you put that thing I said up on Schmoopytalk?"
Me: "Yes."
(beat)
Him: "What was the thing I said again?"

Him: "I should get a tattoo of mars with 'Get your ass to Mars!' underneath"
Me: "That's retarded."
Him: "Just retarded enough to be AWESOME!"

"Sometimes you have to know what shit tastes like so that you can
recognize filet minon when you see it!"

Upon testing the shower water...

me: "Is the water too hot?"
him: "No, it's fine, I... OOOOOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (screams like a girl)"